Let’s Calm Down About Cinco de Mayo

Honestly, it’s just a holiday. And not even an American one, at that. Maybe I’m bitter because I take French and Latin and I don’t get to have a sweet party with a ton of food but I think that it’s just an excuse to take up a class period.

By all means, if you’re Mexican or Spanish or live in Mexico or Spain or whatever, celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Obviously. But if you’re in a high school in New Jersey, you don’t know jack about Cinco de Mayo nor should you be celebrating it. And the other thing is, if you ARE going to celebrate it and be all obnoxious about it, DO IT ON THE RIGHT DAY.

“Oh, our teacher is absent today, so we’re celebrating Cinco de Mayo TOMORROW.”

….. I know I don’t speak Spanish and all but doesn’t Cinco de Mayo mean May FIFTH? So, by you celebrating it on the sixth, you’re not only celebrating it when you’re not even the culture/religion/nationality/whatever, you’re also celebrating on the next day which is like a complete fail.

But back to the thing about not knowing anything about Cinco de Mayo. So, I did take Spanish for most of my life and I know what the teachers do. They’re like “Oh, crap, it’s almost the beginning of May! The kids are going to want to have some party thing for Cinco de Mayo. Maybe I should give them 325712043 handouts on Cinco de Mayo so they’ll ‘know what they’re celebrating’ and so it will be ‘educational.’”

First of all, just because I get a million handouts about Cinco de Mayo doesn’t mean I’m going to like “feel the spirit of the holiday” while eating cake. I’m going to just be like OMG I LOVE CAKE! And second of all, if you REALLY want us to learn about Cinco de Mayo, infuse it in with the rest of the boring vocab and junk. Don’t go all Cinco de Mayo on us two days before the holiday.

The other thing is then everyone gets like really into it. I was taking an English test last period today and some Mexican music or something was coming from the next room which is separated from the English room by like 50 lockers. Distracting. And everyone is all like “OMG what did YOUU bring in for Cinco de Mayo?!” And then someone’s like, “Nothing, I forgot.” And then the person is like ADSAJFLKHE WHATT?!

Yeah, so, I think I’m just really jealous about the fact that I don’t get food on Cinco de Mayo because we don’t get to celebrate anything in French or Latin, but I still think that we get way too involved in holidays that don’t concern us.

I Hate Food

WHAT?! YOU HATE FOOD? WHAT KIND OF FREAK ARE YOU FOOD IS LIKE THE BEST THING EVER KNOWN TO MAN JESUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!….

…everyone just calm down!

Of course I don’t hate food. Please breathe and don’t have an aneurysm.

I love food. That’s just the problem. My mom always asks my brother, “Are you living to eat, or eating to live?” (Living to eat…duh.) But the way I see it, food is a huge part of our life even if we don’t want it to be. We eat (minimum) three times a day, if not more. Including snacks and “grazing”, I probably eat closer to five times a day (especially when the pantry is stocked full of delish tidbits). Even when we’re not at home with food at our fingertips, we’re either out for long periods of time (in which, we are guaranteed to eat) or tantalized with food stands, food smells, food posters, food advertising. Food (now that I’ve typed it so many times, “food” is starting to look weird) is a constant in our life.

But I’m not one of those people who can eat to my stomach’s content and not put on an ounce of fat (CURSE YOU CRUEL GENES!) This is the main issue. If I wanted to, I could probably reach around 200 pounds in a week if I ate in a certain way. It’s because my family is freakishly healthy that we all maintain normal weights despite our (much) less-than-average heights.

If you’re like me, you probably get SO annoyed when you see these skinny or buff people and are like,

“wow…they must have ridiculous willpower and exercise A LOT to get that body…wish I could do that” *goes back to eating sundae*

Then you meet them and are like

“SOOO what sports do you play?”

“I suck at sports.”

..oookay. “Do you like diet a lot?”

“Are you kidding me?” *holds up plate with every possible item from the lunch buffet*

Yeah, those people can go die.

If you are one of those people, I’m kidding. You can stay alive. But you are ridiculously lucky.

Food has this obnoxious way of creeping up on you at the worst times. Like when you’re TRYING to lose five pounds (hypothetically speaking, so people don’t get their knickers in a knot) and then there happens to be this cute family reunion just as you’re getting on a roll. You’re faced with eleventeen kinds of pies, eighty kinds of cakes, forty kinds of cookies, and some special coconut-ice-cream-chocolate concoction that you just HAVE to try. Yeah, thanks a lot Food. THANKS FOR HELPIN ME OUT!

I guess my “hatred” for food is partially my fault. Like when I’m home on the weekends, I can go from breakfast (noon) to dinner (8 PM) without any food in between. But I just don’t. At 4, I go, “WOAH I HAVENT EATEN FOR FOUR HOURS WHATS WRONG WITH ME” *stuffs face*

Just kidding.

But I do have this internal clock thing that tells me I should eat even if I’m not hungry. This isn’t about me trying to lose weight or anything. I’m just jealous of the people who have lightning-fast metabolisms and never put on a gram of fat no matter what they eat.

What about you guys? Are you one of those people who can pig out and never gain weight, or one of those people who has to watch what they eat? What’s your take on food?